Why You Need the Courage to Be Disliked: Adler's Theory of Relationships

Introduction: Are You Living Trapped in Others’ Expectations?

Everyone wants to be loved. We want to be praised and acknowledged. So we read others’ faces and choose actions that they will likely approve of. But living life tailored to others’ expectations eventually leaves us feeling empty. “Whose life am I living, anyway?”

Adlerian psychology presents us with a shocking proposition: “All problems are interpersonal relationship problems.” And to escape these problems and attain true freedom, it argues that we need the “Courage to be Disliked.”

Why must we be disliked? Why is that a condition for freedom? Let’s uncover the reason through Adler’s theory of Interpersonal Relationships, which is also the core theme of the bestseller The Courage to Be Disliked.

1. The Trap of Desire for Recognition: Living Someone Else’s Life

The biggest reason we get stressed in human relationships is the Desire for Recognition. “I must not disappoint my parents.” “I must look competent to my boss.” “I want to be remembered as a good person by my friends.”

These thoughts seem natural, but Adler views them as dangerous. If we become buried in the desire for recognition, we end up living a ‘life that satisfies others’ expectations’. The master of my life becomes ‘others,’ not ‘me.’ This is no different from entrusting my life to others, a life of slavery that can never be free.

Adler speaks firmly: “Do not live to satisfy the expectations of others.” And adds: “Others are not living to satisfy your expectations either.” We do not exist in this world to fill each other’s expectations.

2. What is Freedom: Being Disliked

Then what is freedom? Doing whatever I want? Having a lot of money? The freedom Adler defines is much more specific and intuitive.

“Freedom is being disliked by other people.”

Does this make sense? Being disliked by someone is proof that you are living freely in your own way, without reading others’ faces. When you try to live according to your convictions, someone is bound to dislike it. But that is the ‘cost’ and also the ‘medal’ of living freely.

A person who tries to be loved by everyone cannot be true to anyone. To please everyone, you eventually have to deceive yourself and tell lies. When we declare, “I will go my own way whether you dislike it or not,” we are finally released from the chains of interpersonal relationships.

3. Separation of Tasks: Whose Problem is This?

The tool most needed to have the courage to be disliked is the Separation of Tasks. Adler advises us to coldly distinguish “Whose task is this?”

For example, a child does not study. Parents get angry and force the child to study. This is the parents invading the child’s task with muddy shoes. ‘Studying’ is the child’s task, not the parents’. As another example, consider a situation where the other person gets angry when you refuse a request. Refusing is your task, but whether to get angry at that refusal or not is the other person’s task. Being unable to refuse for fear of the other person getting angry is trying to take on the other person’s task as well.

“Do not let others intervene in your tasks, and do not intervene in others’ tasks.” Just keeping this principle reduces interpersonal worries by more than half. Even if someone dislikes you, you need the courage to draw a line: “That is your task. My task is to live my life.”

4. Courage to Be Disliked = Courage to Be Happy

The courage to be disliked does not mean becoming a bad person. It does not mean enjoying criticism. It simply means do not be afraid of being disliked by others.

A life that rolls like a stone rolling down a hill is easy. That is a life lived according to desires and the need for recognition. But true freedom is stopping yourself from rolling down and climbing up the hill against gravity. In that process, friction occurs, you collide with others, and you may be disliked.

But only when we have the courage to pay that price can we exist fully as ourselves. To be happy, we must be free, and to be free, we need the courage to be disliked.

5. Conclusion: Dance Like No One is Watching

There will always be people who dislike you. Out of 10 people, 1 will surely criticize you. 2 will love you unconditionally. The remaining 7 are indifferent to you. Whose voice will you focus on while living your life? The 1 who dislikes you? Or the 2 who love you?

Do not be afraid of being disliked. It is a sign that you are living your life proactively. Step down from the stage of others’ gaze and dance your own dance on your own stage. As if no one is watching. That is the very reason you were born into this world and your freedom.

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