The Subject Determines the Distance: Adler's 'I-Message' Communication

Introduction: Who Does Your Sentence Start With?

“I’m angry because of you!”, “Why are you always like that?”, “Are you going to do it right?” The sentences we unconsciously blurt out when we have a conflict with someone usually start with ‘You.’ At first glance, it seems like a natural expression, but the moment the subject of the sentence becomes ‘You,’ a war begins in the psychological space.

Alfred Adler viewed that the source of all troubles lies in interpersonal relationships. And he proposed the ‘Separation of Tasks’ as the secret to maintaining those relationships peacefully and healthily. Interestingly, by just changing one subject of the sentence we speak, this separation of tasks occurs naturally.

1. ‘You-Message’: Precursor to Intrusion and Blame

Setting the subject as ‘You’ in a conversation is like fixing the direction of an arrow toward the other person. In psychology, this is called a You-message.

Judgment of Others: Saying “You are irresponsible” is an act of evaluating and ‘judging’ the other person based on my criteria.
Task Intrusion: How the other person acts or what attitude they have is their task. The moment we use ‘You’ as a subject and coerce, we are intruding into their territory.
Activation of Defense Mechanisms: The person who becomes the subject of blame instinctively activates defense mechanisms. Arguments like “Why me?” or “Did you do well?” go back and forth, deepening the emotional rift.

2. ‘I-Message’: Language of Separation of Tasks

The linguistic expression that best represents the ‘Separation of Tasks’ emphasized by Adler is the I-Message. This concept, popularized by Thomas Gordon, is about bringing the subject of the sentence to ‘I.’

Focus on My Task: “I feel upset because you are late for the appointment.”
Confession of Emotion: It’s not a blame of the other person, but delivering my ‘state.’
Removal of Aggression: When the subject becomes ‘I,’ the other person feels less attacked. Instead, the arrow directed toward the other person points to my inner self, providing space for the other to think.

3. Why Does the ‘Subject’ Determine the Distance of the Relationship?

The subject of a sentence means the location of responsibility.

I Am the Owner of My Emotions: “I’m angry because of you” means that the cause of my emotion lies with the other person. In other words, I’ve handed over the control of my emotions to the other person. But if I say “I am angry,” I am declaring that I am the owner of my emotions.
Securing Distance for Respect: Using ‘I’ as a subject creates an appropriate space between me and the other person. This is because “I think this way” grants the other person the right to say, “I don’t think that way.”
End of Power Struggle: Adler viewed conflicts in relationships as Power Struggles. When we stop trying to make the other person surrender by using ‘You’ as a subject and instead show our ‘I’s sincerity, the power struggle turns into cooperation.

4. Practice! Changing Adlerian Subjects

Let’s rewrite common situations in daily life by just changing the subject.

Situation A (Lover who doesn’t contact)
- (You-Message) “Why don’t you ever contact me? Are you ignoring me?”
- (I-Message) “I was worried because there was no contact, and the waiting time was hard for me.”
Situation B (Colleague who made a mistake)
- (You-Message) “Why did you get this simple thing wrong again?”
- (I-Message) “I am concerned that there might be a problem with the overall schedule because of this error.”
Situation C (Parent who nags)
- (You-Message) “Why do you keep interfering? Stop it!”
- (I-Message) “I have a strong desire to decide and take responsibility for my own work.”

5. Changing the Subject Is a Matter of ‘Courage’

Speaking with ‘I’ as a subject is harder than it looks. This is because you have to reveal your vulnerable emotions (upset, loneliness, anxiety) as they are. Blaming others is easy, but confessing your sincerity requires courage.

The Courage to be Disliked that Adler spoke of does not mean you can be rude to others. Rather, it is the courage to be free from others’ gaze and take full responsibility for my life and emotions as a healthy subject.

Conclusion: Relationships Become Free When You Get the Subject Back

Don’t lose the subject ‘I’ in your sentences. When you try to change others by using them as subjects, the relationship becomes hell, but when you clarify your boundaries by using ‘I’ as the subject, the relationship finally becomes a warm haven.

Today, try starting your sentences with ‘I.’ That one short word will coordinate the distance between you and others most appropriately and beautifully.

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