The Arrogance of Understanding Others: Adler's Empathy and Respect

Introduction: The Violence in the Words “I Know You All…”

When we have conflicts with loved ones, close friends, or colleagues, we often say things like: “I’m trying to understand you, why are you being like this?”, “I know you all too well, and that’s your problem.” However, from a psychological perspective, understanding another person ‘completely’ is nearly impossible. No, rather, it might be a foolish greed to try and trap others within our own framework.

Alfred Adler warned that the unhappiness in relationships begins with this ‘arrogance of understanding.’ Today, we will explore why we should let go of the greed to understand others and how acknowledging ‘not knowing’ leads to a true relationship.

1. Life Style: Seeing the World Through Different Glasses

One of the core concepts of Adlerian psychology is the Life Style. We all have our own ‘cognitive maps’ formed based on childhood experiences. Even when experiencing the same event, some see it as an opportunity and some feel it as a threat.

Subjective Interpretation: A person’s behavior is determined by their own logic and purpose.
Limits of Understanding: No matter how hard I try, I cannot directly wear the glasses that the other person is wearing. What I see is only their appearance projected through my own glasses. Therefore, the words “I understand you” actually mean “I interpreted your behavior within the framework of my life style.”

2. The ‘Desire for Control’ Hidden Behind Understanding

Behind the heart that tries hard to understand someone completely, there is sometimes a hidden Will to power. This is because we fall into the illusion that if we understand the other person, we can predict their behavior and, furthermore, lead them in the direction I want.

Relieving Anxiety: The uncertainty of not knowing the other person gives anxiety. Understanding becomes a tool to relieve this anxiety.
Violence Disguised as Goodwill: Expressions like “I’m saying this for you, I’m saying this because I understand everything” result in treating the other person not as an independent individual, but as an object under my control. True respect starts with treating the other person not as a ‘being I know everything about’ but as an ‘other who I can never fully know.‘

3. Empathy: Seeing with Another’s Eyes, Listening with Another’s Ears

What then is the Empathy that Adler emphasized? Adler defined empathy as “Seeing with another’s eyes, listening with another’s ears, and feeling with another’s heart.” The important difference is that it is not ‘judgment’ or ‘analysis.’

Staying Together: It’s about staying in the other’s world for a while without trying to change them as I wish or drawing conclusions.
Acknowledging Not Knowing: Instead of saying “I understand everything,” the Adlerian empathy is saying, “I cannot know all your pain, but I want to feel together that you are struggling right now.”

4. Separation of Tasks: Whether I Understand or Not Is Not My Task

One of the techniques to make relationships comfortable is to apply the Separation of Tasks.

The Other’s Heart: How much the other understands me or how much I understand the other is not an absolute outcome.
My Attitude: The only task I can do is ‘to maintain an attitude of having interest in the other and respecting them as they are.’ If you feel frustrated because you are not understood, or angry because you cannot understand, it’s a signal that you are intervening in others’ tasks.

5. Start of a Healthy Relationship: Acknowledge the ‘Distance’

Adler emphasized Social Interest, but that doesn’t mean the other and I must become one. Rather, it means cooperating as independent individuals.

Respect for Mystery: Treat a person as a mystery. You need an attitude of acceptance, saying “You are like that” instead of “Why are you like that?”.
Purpose of Dialogue: The purpose of dialogue should be the process itself of confirming and tuning each other’s ‘differences’ rather than fully grasping the other.

Conclusion: Respect Is Filled When You Empty the Greed of Understanding

“I cannot understand you.” This is not a declaration of breaking up a relationship. Rather, it can be the deepest confession of love saying, “You are an independent being different from me, and I respect that difference of yours.”

When we let go of the foolish greed to understand the other completely, we can finally face the other without tension. The appropriate distance that does not invade each other’s territory, that empty space, is where true communication and growth begin. I hope your relationships are filled with warm respect that acknowledges not knowing, instead of the coercion of understanding.

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