Your Values Are Not Universal: Adler's True Respect and Task Separation

Introduction: “It’s All for Your Own Good”

We hear and say these words so often in our lives. “Study hard, it’s all for your own good.” “You should get married soon, or you’ll regret it later.” “That job doesn’t suit you, you should quit.”

Among family, friends, and lovers, we constantly advise, worry, and sometimes get angry. We believe this is ‘love’ and ‘care.’ But when the other person doesn’t listen to our advice, we feel disappointed and even betrayed. “Why don’t they understand my heart?”

Adlerian psychology makes a stinging point here. “That is not love, but merely a desire for domination to force your values on others.” Today, we will talk about the subtle desire for control hidden inside the wrapping paper of love and care, and the meaning of true respect.

1. Do Not Force Your Feet into My Shoes

Do you know the story of ‘Procrustes’ bed’ from Greek mythology? He would catch passing travelers, lay them on his bed, and if they were taller than the bed, he would cut off their legs; if they were shorter, he would stretch their legs to kill them. He forced his standard (the bed) onto others.

Our human relationships are often similar to this. We each have our own bed called ‘values.’ “You must live diligently.” “Stability is best.” “You must be polite.” These values might be the correct answer for me. But are they the correct answer for others? We try to force our shoes onto others, saying, “This is the right path.” Even when they complain that their feet hurt, we tighten the laces, saying, “Just endure a little, it’s all for you.”

Adler says: “Do not intervene in others’ tasks.” Whatever life the other person chooses, whatever values they live by, that is entirely his or her task. No matter how excellent my values are, the moment I force them on others, it becomes violence.

2. The Lie of “For Your Own Good”

When we intervene in others’ lives, we often put forward the justification “It’s all for your own good.” But let’s put our hand on our heart and ask honestly. Is it really 100% for the other person? Perhaps, isn’t it to calm my anxiety, to save my face, or because I want to control the situation as I wish?

In the heart of parents trying to send their children to prestigious universities, there may be mixed not only the child’s happiness but also the parents’ own task of wanting to gain the reputation of “having raised their child well.” Inside the heart criticizing a lover’s outfit, there may be hidden a desire to exhibit a perfect partner who suits my taste.

In Adlerian psychology, this is coldly viewed as a state where Separation of Tasks has not occurred. Discard the mind that tries to manipulate others according to your will. Others do not exist to satisfy your expectations.

3. Vertical Relationship vs. Horizontal Relationship: We Are Different but Equal

Why do we keep trying to control others? It is because we unconsciously perceive human relationships as Vertical Relationships. “Because I am your senior in life,” “Because I am your parent,” “Because I know more,” we try to teach from above to below.

But what Adler aims for is a Horizontal Relationship. “We are different in ability, experience, and age, but we are equal in personality.”

Even if a friend walks a path completely different from mine, sometimes a path that looks precarious to me, I must respect him as a personality equal to me. Instead of criticizing, “Your thought is wrong,” we must acknowledge the difference: “You think that way, I think this way.” That is a horizontal relationship.

4. You Can Lead a Horse to Water…

Then should we just stand by and watch others? Should we pretend not to know even if they go down a dangerous path? No. Adler strictly distinguishes between ‘neglect’ and ‘respect.’

There is a famous proverb. “You can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make him drink.” Our role is only up to leading the horse to the water (support and encouragement). Whether to drink the water or not is entirely the horse’s (the other person’s) task. If you try to force the horse to drink, it will rampage and everyone will get hurt.

True help is not ordering “Do this, do that,” but sending trust that “I am ready to help whenever you need it.” Doing your best to help when the other person asks for help—that is how to love others while separating tasks.

5. Conclusion: How to Respect Each Universe

If there are 7 billion people in the world, there are 7 billion different universes. Do not try to apply the laws of your universe to someone else’s universe. It may be noise to me, but music to someone else. It may look insignificant to me, but it may be a treasure to someone else.

Just as my values are precious, others’ values are equally precious. When we put down the arrogance that “I am right and you are wrong,” we can finally see others as they are.

It is not wrong; it is different. Not forcing my correct answer. That is the attitude of a mature adult and the only way for each other to be free.

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