All Problems Stem from Interpersonal Relationships: A Core Theme of Adlerian Psychology

Introduction: What If One Day, You Were the Only Person Left on Earth?

Imagine for a moment: a massive cosmic event has occurred, and every human being on Earth except for you has vanished. You have infinite resources at your disposal and no one to interfere with you. Now, would you still have anything called ‘worries’ or ‘problems’?

Alfred Adler, the founder of Adlerian Psychology, states firmly: “All problems are interpersonal relationship problems.”

His point is that money problems, appearance complexes, academic achievement, and even internal depression cannot exist in a space without ‘others.’ Every psychological pain we experience is entangled with ‘the gaze of others,’ ‘comparison,’ and the ‘longing for belonging.’ When we understand this shocking premise, we finally hold the key to escaping the swamp of our worries.

1. The True Nature of Inferiority: The Yardstick of Others

One of the most common worries that plagues us is the Inferiority Complex. “Why am I shorter than that person?” “Why do I earn less than that friend?”

If you were the only person in the world, being 150cm or 200cm tall would simply be a physical characteristic. It becomes ‘inferiority’ because a comparison target—another person—exists. Adler distinguishes this as Objective Fact versus Subjective Interpretation. While being short is a fact, feeling inferior because of it is a subjective interpretation you made within a relationship.

In other words, what we suffer from is not the fact itself, but the ‘interpersonal meaning’ we assigned to that fact. An inferiority complex is merely the shadow of the desire to win against someone else or to be recognized by them.

2. Horizontal vs. Vertical Relationships: Escaping the Competition Trap

The fundamental reason we feel exhausted in human relationships is that we see the world as a competition field. Adler calls this a Vertical Relationship. The moment you rank others above or below yourself, life becomes an endless race.

In this vertical framework where someone’s success is your failure and another’s happiness is your misfortune, no one can be at peace. Even if you come in first, you’re anxious about being overtaken; if you fall behind, you sink into self-loathing.

The solution is a transition to a Horizontal Relationship, where all humans are viewed as ‘equal comrades’ rather than ranks. We only differ in our walking pace; we are all comrades walking together on the same flat ground. When you perceive others as helpers rather than competitors, relationships transform from ‘threats’ into ‘blessings.‘

3. Separation of Tasks: Whose Burden are You Carrying?

Relationship worries reach their peak when we interfere with others’ tasks or allow others into our own. Adler proposes the Separation of Tasks to solve this.

“What does that person think of me?” is not your problem. That is that person’s task. No matter how well you do, they might dislike you; no matter how many mistakes you make, they might support you. The result (interpretation) is outside your sphere of control.

We often sacrifice our own tasks to satisfy the expectations of others. But a life spent trying to meet others’ expectations is essentially living someone else’s life. The recovery of Self-Esteem begins with coldly asking, “Whose task is this?” and boldly putting down the burdens that aren’t yours.

4. Community Feeling: Beyond Isolation to Contribution

The destination of our worries eventually leads to the question: “Am I a necessary being in this world?” Adler explains this with the concept of Social Interest (or Community Feeling).

Humans finally become happy when they escape from an inflated ego that only thinks of itself and gain a sense of belonging and contribution to the community by caring for others. ‘Contribution’ here isn’t a grand sacrifice. Just giving a polite greeting to someone or faithfully performing your assigned tasks gives you a subjective sense of competence—the feeling that “I am someone who is helpful to others.”

Relationships are painful when you only worry about ‘what I can get’ from others. When you begin to worry about ‘what I can give,’ the initiative in relationships returns to you.

5. The Courage to Be Disliked: Another Name for Freedom

Ultimately, the final puzzle piece needed to cut off all worries and become free is the Courage to Be Disliked. The effort to be loved by everyone is an energy drain on an impossible challenge, inevitably giving birth to failure and more worries.

Being disliked by someone is evidence that you are living your own life freely from the gaze of others. When you make choices that are truly yours, it’s a natural law of physics that some people won’t like those choices.

Do not fear being disliked. It is a signal that you have taken hold of the steering wheel of your life. Only when you have that courage can you maintain your own course on the rough sea of human relationships.

Conclusion: Breaking the Chains of Relationship and Existing as Yourself

Saying “All problems stem from interpersonal relationships” doesn’t mean you should live in isolation. Rather, it’s a message of support to pierce through the essence of relationships and prevent the unnecessary waste of emotions.

Look into the reality of the worry that is plaguing you. Which ‘other person’ is standing there? What kind of recognition do you want from them? The moment you let go of that desire and separate the tasks, the rock pressing down on you will become as light as a feather.

We are beings who must live together. But ‘together’ should never become ‘restraint.’ Step out from the prison of others’ gaze today and boldly set up your own stage.

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