All Worries Stem from Relationships: The Essence of Suffering According to Adler

Introduction: Are ‘All’ Worries Really Due to Relationships?

Psychologist Alfred Adler made a radical declaration through “Individual Psychology”: “All human worries stem from interpersonal relationships.” Hearing this for the first time might make you tilt your head. “Don’t money problems, health problems, or worries about school or career have nothing to do with relationships?” you might ask.

But Adler was firm. If you were the only being in this universe, you wouldn’t feel you lacked money, you wouldn’t be pessimistic about being ugly, and you wouldn’t feel the pressure to stay ahead of anyone. Today, we will look at the deep meaning contained in this proposition and how it can set us free.

1. Bars Named Comparison

We constantly compare ourselves with others. If you are worried because your salary is low, it is because others—‘average’ or ‘those around you’—exist. The sense of inferiority about appearance is also an emotion that cannot exist without the eyes of others and social standards of beauty.

Adler called this ‘inferiority feeling.’ The feeling of inferiority itself is not bad. It can be a driving force to become better. The problem arises when it is perceived as winning or losing in a ‘vertical relationship’ with others. The moment you think, “I’m lagging behind that person,” interpersonal relationships become a battlefield instead of a blessing, and our worries begin.

2. Stress Created by Virtual Rivals

Sometimes we even assume others who don’t actually exist as competitors. Flashy influencers on social media or the expectant voices of parents become ‘virtual others’ within me and monitor me.

In these relationships, we struggle to satisfy ‘others’ expectations’ instead of living ‘my life.’ When questions like “How will they see me?” fill our minds, we lose our sovereignty and fall into deep distress. Ultimately, behind the work stress or career anxiety we feel, ‘relational needs’ to prove ourselves through success are hidden.

3. Clues to Solution: Separation of Tasks and Horizontal Relationships

Adler suggests Separation of Tasks as a way out of this mire of worries. It is about clearly distinguishing “Whose task is this?” Doing my best is my task, but how I am evaluated is the task of others.

Conflicts and worries arise when you try to intervene in others’ tasks or involve others in your tasks. When you break away from the vertical gaze of seeing the other person as being higher or lower than you and form a ‘horizontal relationship’ of seeing each other as equal colleagues walking toward different goals, you can finally be liberated from the prison of interpersonal relationships.

4. Courage to Not Fear Solitude

Some ask, “If all worries come from relationships, should I cut off relationships?” No. What Adler is trying to say is not the severance of relationships, but independence within relationships.

Only when we have the courage to be disliked—that is, the courage to go our own way without being preoccupied with others’ evaluations—can we finally form healthy relationships. Only those who can be happy enough alone can experience true connection that is not enslaved even when they are with others.

Conclusion: If You Change Relationships, Worries Disappear

Who is at the center of that worry that haunts you? Is it the wound that person gave you, or is it your greed to be recognized by that person?

Acknowledging that the reality of worries is interpersonal relationships is not a matter of giving a sense of helplessness, but rather a matter of handing over powerful control. Just by changing the attitude toward others and the perspective of defining relationships, many of the mountain-like worries will disappear like a mirage.

Now take off the glasses of others’ gaze and look at the world with your own eyes. Your worries will start to become lighter from there.