Focus on the 'Person,' Not the 'Object': Authentic Encounters Beyond Utility

Introduction: What Do You See the Other Person As?

The waiter who brings you food at a restaurant, the delivery driver who hands you a package, or the subordinate who requests a task at work. We meet countless people in our daily lives. But at those moments, are we really facing a ‘person’? Or are we seeing a ‘functional object’ that provides convenience or handles work for us?

The philosopher Martin Buber distinguished between two forms of human relationships: I-It and I-Thou. The tragedy of modern society begins with treating people as ‘It’ rather than ‘Thou.’ Today, I want to talk about ‘how to focus on the person themselves,’ which is the only way to fill the emptiness of relationships.

1. Relationships Treated as ‘It’: Instrumental Connections

We unconsciously treat others as a means for our own benefit or convenience.

“That person can give me information.”
“This friend has a wide network, so it’s good to be close with them.”
“I need a competent part who follows my instructions well.”

When we look at others as an ‘object’ or an ‘instrument’ like this, the relationship becomes cold and dry. Tools can be replaced with better performing ones at any time and are discarded when they become useless. A person who treats others as an ‘It’ is trapped in a lonely cycle where they also have no choice but to be treated as an ‘It’ by others.

2. Relationships Treated as ‘Thou’: Personal Encounters

Treating someone as a ‘person’ means stripping away all their background, abilities, and usefulness, and affirming their existence itself. This is the ‘I-Thou’ relationship Buber spoke of.

In this relationship, there is no purpose. The encounter itself is the purpose. It is about feeling the emotions behind the words the other person wants to convey and respecting the weight of life contained in their eyes. Instead of asking “What can this person do for me?”, it is an attitude of wondering “What kind of world is this person living in now?” Only in such personal encounters can humans feel true comfort and connection.

3. How to Discover the Person Beyond the Function

How can we cross the wall of instrumentality and focus on the person?

Calling by Name: Call them by name or give a heartfelt greeting instead of a title or role. When you say “Thank you, driver” instead of “Hey there,” the other person feels respected as a human being.
Eye Contact and Listening: Put down your smartphone and look into the other person’s eyes when talking. That eye contact elevates the other person from an ‘object’ to a ‘Thou.’
Avoiding Background Questions: Instead of ‘data’ such as income, academic background, or where they live, try to take interest in their ‘inner self,’ such as what they like or what makes them smile lately.

4. The Serenity Brought by the Completion of Horizontal Relationships

The core of the ‘Horizontal Relationship’ covered in a previous post is ultimately focusing on the person. When we don’t try to control the other person by placing them below us (Vertical Relationship) or use them as a means to expand our territory of desire, we finally become equal ‘colleagues.’

When you start facing others as ‘people’ rather than ‘objects,’ the tension in your mind strangely loosens. This is because there is no longer a need to evaluate or compete with the other person. Only the relief of being connected to a person with a unique universe fills us.

Conclusion: Who Was the ‘He’ You Met Today?

On your way home, think of the many faces you encountered today. Did you treat even one of them sincerely as a ‘person’?

The world constantly forces us to be ‘objects.’ However, when we face each other as individuals, calling each other ‘Thou,’ the desolate city finally becomes a community where human warmth flows.

Look at the warm blood flowing in the other person’s heart and their own unique soul. There is the true relationship you have been searching for so far.