Why You Should Focus on Yourself: Finding Authenticity Beyond Expectations

Introduction: Whose Life are You Living?

From the moment we wake up in the morning, we face countless gazes from others. The expectations of parents, the wishes of a spouse, the evaluation of colleagues, and the standards of unspecified multitudes on social media. We unconsciously live our lives trying to fit ourselves into the ‘correct answer’ they have defined.

However, there are times when a corner of your heart feels empty. “What is it that I really want?”, “For whose happiness am I running now?”

The core of Adlerian psychology is to have the courage to be disliked, to separate the tasks of others, and to focus only on ‘my life.’ Today, I want to talk about why we must focus on ourselves first before anyone else, and why it is not selfishness but the noblest duty.

1. The Expectations of Others are Just the Tasks of Others

What makes us most tired is the fear of “What will others think of me?” We often push our own needs back to be recognized and loved by others.

Adler advises solving this through the Separation of Tasks. Whether someone likes or dislikes me, and what kind of evaluation they give me, is entirely ‘that person’s task.’ The moment we cling to the tasks of others that we cannot control, we become slaves living the lives of others. All I can do is my best to walk ‘my own path.‘

2. Breaking Free from the Thirst for the ‘Need for Approval’

Since humans are social animals, the desire to be recognized by others is instinctive. However, a life that hangs on approval can never be peaceful. This is because approval can change at any time according to the fickle standards of others.

Focusing on yourself starts with Self-Acceptance. Even if others don’t praise me, when I know my value and can affirm myself, an unshakeable root is created. When we close our ears to the sound of applause from others and focus on our quiet inner voice, we finally become the master of our own lives rather than a tool for others.

3. Taking Care of Yourself is a Contribution to the World

You might be criticized as ‘selfish’ for focusing on yourself. However, if I don’t become happy and solid first, I cannot give true love and help to others.

It’s like the safety rule to put on your own oxygen mask first before helping a child if it falls during an airplane accident. Kindness given when I am psychologically exhausted easily becomes a transaction that expects something in return. When I love myself enough, focus on myself, and my inner self becomes rich, that overflowing energy naturally flows to the surroundings and contributes to the community.

4. A Meditative Life Discovering ‘Here and Now’

Focusing on yourself is not about setting grand goals. It is about fully staying in the emotions I feel at this moment, my breath, and my senses.

Writing an Emotion Diary: Look into the real root of the emotions I felt today.
Securing Time Alone: Even for 30 minutes a day, turn off all devices and talk only to yourself.
Restoring Sovereignty in Small Choices: Repeatedly practice choosing what I really want to eat, starting from today’s lunch menu.

These small practices gather to make the sense of ‘me’ clear.

Conclusion: You are Enough as You are

The world will demand many roles from you. A good child, a competent employee, a kind parent, etc. However, before all those roles, you are uniquely ‘you.’

Break the mirror of the eyes of others and look inside yourself. Hug yourself as you are, the raw stone that is there. When you focus on yourself, the world will finally see your true beauty.

Do not give the lead role of your life to anyone. You shine brightest when you are only you.