Give Courage Through Horizontal Relationships: True Solidarity Beyond Vertical Competition

Introduction: Is your relationship vertical or horizontal?

In social life, we are constantly exposed to the habit of dividing ‘top’ and ‘bottom.’ Rank, salary, age, and even the amount of knowledge or appearance are often converted into vertical scales and ranked. These Vertical Relationships trigger competition and trap humans in a constant cycle of complex feelings of inferiority.

Adlerian psychology suggests that we can gain true courage when we break away from these vertical structures and build Horizontal Relationships. Today, I want to talk about why we should aim for horizontal relationships and how they breathe courage into our lives.

1. Praise and Scolding: Tools of Vertical Relationships

Surprisingly, Adler warned against ‘praise.’ This is because praise is usually an evaluation given by ‘those with competence to those without’ or ‘those above to those below.’

Vertical Relationship: Praising or scolding (for the purpose of evaluation and manipulation)
Horizontal Relationship: Thanking or being happy (for the purpose of empathy and respect)

Praising a child with “Great job” subconsciously implies an intention to place them below me and manipulate them. On the other hand, saying “I’m so happy you helped me” treats the child as an equal person and shares the joy of cooperation. People accustomed to praise become subservient to the evaluations of others, but those who share gratitude gain the courage to discover their own value.

2. ‘Equality’ is Not ‘Sameness’

Horizontal relationships should not be misunderstood. It doesn’t mean that everyone should have the same abilities or responsibilities. There may be differences in knowledge or experience, but the premise of a horizontal relationship is that human dignity and value are completely equal.

Between a doctor and a patient, a boss and a subordinate, or a parent and a child, their ‘roles’ are different, but their ‘existence’ is equal. When I treat the other person as an equal, they can also face me truthfully without being defensive. In a vertical relationship, ‘who wins’ is important, but in a horizontal relationship, ‘how we cooperate’ becomes important.

3. Courage That Blooms When Not Evaluated

Why do we hesitate before a new challenge? Usually, it’s because of the vertical fear of “What if I fail and get ignored by others?” When you feel surrounded by people evaluating you, it’s inevitable for a person to shrink.

But what if you feel that the people around you are ‘horizontal partners’ who accept you as you are? When you receive support that your value does not change even if you fail, and you have simply gone through trial and error, you gain the courage to stand up again. Courage is the power that arises when you are freed from the chains of ‘the evaluation of others.‘

4. Shifting from Competition to Cooperation

In a vertical worldview, others are ‘enemies’ who threaten my position. I have to step on someone to go up. You can never be at peace in such an environment.

In a horizontal worldview, on the other hand, others are ‘colleagues’ who move toward a goal together. A colleague’s success is not a threat to me but a joy for all of us. The core of Social Interest, as Adler called it, is to expand this horizontal relationship to the world. When you feel that you are contributing to someone, you finally feel that “I am a valuable person” and gain life energy.

Conclusion: Reach Out with a Horizontal Hand

If there is a relationship that is making you struggle right now, check it. Are you trying to control someone by looking down on them, or are you struggling to be ‘praised’ under someone’s overbearing gaze?

Turn that connection from vertical to horizontal. To thank first, to ask for help first, and to sincerely rejoice in the growth of the other person—that is the first step toward a horizontal relationship.

You are neither above nor below anyone. We are simply precious travelers walking side by side on the same ground.