Trust Blooms from the Courage to Endure the Possibility of Betrayal

Introduction: The Misconception of Trust

We often think of ‘trust’ as a kind of insurance policy. When we say, “I trust that person,” it’s often synonymous with the conviction that “that person will never disappoint or betray me.” However, this kind of trust is actually quite precarious. The moment the other person deviates even slightly from our expectations, that trust can quickly turn into resentment or a sense of betrayal.

In Adlerian psychology, trust is viewed from a slightly different perspective. True trust is not about controlling the other person’s behavior or receiving guarantees for the future, but rather a matter of one’s own choice and courage.

1. The Difference Between Credit and Trust

First, we need to distinguish between ‘credit’ and ‘trust.’

Credit: A conditional form of belief. Much like a bank lends money based on collateral, it’s about calculating that “given their abilities, background, and past record, they probably won’t betray me.”
Trust: An unconditional form of belief. It’s the decision to believe in the other person first, regardless of how they treat you, without any collateral or guarantees.

The reason we often experience conflict in relationships is that we place ‘credit’ where ‘trust’ should be. The attitude of “I’ll trust you if you do this for me” is merely a transaction, not the kind of trust that forms a deep bond.

2. Why is the ‘Possibility of Betrayal’ Essential?

You might want to ask, “How can I trust when I might be betrayed?” Yet, paradoxically, without the possibility of betrayal, trust cannot exist.

Believing in a situation where betrayal is impossible (such as coercive contracts or constant surveillance) is not trust; it’s closer to ‘obedience’ or ‘verification.’ True trust is willingly allowing the other person the freedom to betray you. To reach out first despite that risk is one of the most noble forms of courage a human can show.

3. Separation of Tasks: Believing is My Task, Acting is Theirs

Trust is difficult because we try to control the outcome (the other person’s reaction). Adler suggests solving this through the ‘Separation of Tasks.’

Deciding to trust the other person: My task
How the other person responds to my trust (whether they reciprocate or betray): Their task

All we can do is our best in our own task. If someone betrays your trust, it doesn’t mean you failed. You did your part by choosing to trust, and you must accept that what happens afterward is outside your domain.

4. Trust is a Choice for Yourself

When we are unable to trust and are constantly suspicious, who suffers the most? It’s ourselves. Suspicion consumes energy and traps our lives in a defensive posture.

A life where you trust no one to avoid being hurt may be safe, but it can never be truly happy. Trust is not an act of charity for others, but a decision you make for yourself to connect with others and live a more enriched life.

Conclusion: Only Those with the Courage to be Betrayed Can Truly Love

Opening your heart to someone is like giving them the opportunity to stab you in the heart. It’s a terrifying thing. But without the courage to push through that fear, you can never truly connect with anyone.

Look at the someone beside you today. You don’t trust them because they are perfect. You trust them because you value the relationship enough to take the risk of being betrayed.

Trust is not an investment that expects a return, but the most beautiful gamble one can make as a human being in this moment.