Is Avoiding Conflict the Same as Peace? — The Psychology of 5 Conflict Resolution Styles

Is Conflict a Bad Thing?

“Let’s just let it go.” “What if I say something and we have a falling out?” “I’ll just put up with it.”

Many of us have been conditioned to treat conflict as something to be avoided at all costs. But conflict psychologists have a different message: “Healthy conflict deepens relationships.”

The problem is not conflict itself — it is how conflict is handled that determines the quality of a relationship.

The Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Model

In 1974, Kenneth Thomas and Ralph Kilmann developed the TKI (Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument), which classifies conflict resolution styles along two axes:

Assertiveness: The degree to which you try to satisfy your own needs
Cooperativeness: The degree to which you try to satisfy the other person’s needs

These two dimensions produce five distinct conflict resolution styles.

5 Conflict Resolution Styles

1. Competing — High Assertiveness, Low Cooperativeness

“I’m right, and we’re doing it my way.”

The competing style pushes your own position hard, aiming to persuade or overpower the other person. It can be valuable when fast decisions are needed or when a principled stand must not be compromised.

Strengths: Fast decisions, clear direction, leadership in urgent situations
Weaknesses: Damages relationships, creates resentment, provokes resistance
Best suited for: Safety or ethical principles are at stake; a decision is needed immediately

2. Collaborating — High Assertiveness, High Cooperativeness

“Let’s find a solution that works for both of us.”

The collaborating style seeks creative solutions that fully satisfy both parties’ needs. It takes more time, but produces the most durable outcomes.

Strengths: Deep trust, creative solutions, high buy-in from both sides
Weaknesses: Time- and energy-intensive; impossible without the other party’s genuine willingness
Best suited for: Long-term relationships matter; a complex problem must be solved together

3. Compromising — Moderate Assertiveness and Cooperativeness

“What if we each give a little ground?”

The compromising style finds a middle point through mutual partial concession. It is faster than collaborating and less damaging to relationships than competing. It is realistically the most frequently used style.

Strengths: Quick resolution, sense of fairness, preservation of the relationship
Weaknesses: Neither party is fully satisfied; the “best” solution may be missed
Best suited for: Time is limited; a temporary fix is acceptable

4. Avoiding — Low Assertiveness, Low Cooperativeness

“I’d rather not get into this right now.”

The avoiding style sidesteps or postpones the conflict altogether. It can temporarily reduce tension, but the underlying problem remains unresolved.

Strengths: Temporary stability in a heated moment; preserves energy for genuinely minor issues
Weaknesses: Problems accumulate; the relationship stays surface-level; the eventual explosion is larger
Best suited for: Emotions are running too high and a cooling-off period is genuinely needed; the issue truly does not matter

5. Accommodating — Low Assertiveness, High Cooperativeness

“That’s fine, do it your way.”

The accommodating style prioritizes the other person’s needs over your own. It is appropriate when maintaining the relationship is the priority, or when you recognize the other person is simply better-informed on this issue.

Strengths: Preserves the relationship, supports the other’s growth, de-escalates tension
Weaknesses: Your needs go unmet; long-term resentment builds; you may not be respected
Best suited for: You recognize you were wrong; the issue genuinely matters more to the other person

Which Style Is “Best”?

There is no single correct answer. The most effective style depends on the situation. Psychologists argue that rigidly defaulting to any one style is itself the problem:

Always competing: You end up losing relationships
Always avoiding: Problems compound without ever resolving
Always accommodating: You end up losing yourself

A skilled conflict resolver is someone who can read a situation and choose the most appropriate style — not someone who has mastered one style and applies it everywhere.

How to Begin a Difficult Conversation

If fear has been keeping you from addressing conflict directly, try this structure:

1. Observation: “When my proposal wasn’t adopted in the last meeting…“
2. Feeling: “I felt overlooked.”
3. Need: “I want my ideas to receive genuine consideration.”
4. Request: “Could you give me more specific feedback on my ideas next time?”

This approach draws from Nonviolent Communication (NVC) and is particularly effective for working through conflict without triggering defensiveness.

Conflict Is a Doorway to Intimacy

Avoiding conflict is also avoiding a genuine encounter with the other person. Through disagreement, we come to understand each other’s values and needs more deeply — and in that process, the relationship becomes more substantial.

If you are curious about your own conflict resolution style, take the test below.

OIYO Editorial