The Psychology of Conflict Styles — Do You Fight, Flee, or Find a Way Through?

Conflict Is Inevitable

The longer two people know each other — in friendship, partnership, or work — the more conflict will arise. That’s not a failure of the relationship. How conflict gets handled is what determines whether relationships grow or erode.

In 1974, psychologists Kenneth Thomas and Ralph Kilmann developed a model that maps conflict behavior along two dimensions:

Assertiveness: How actively you pursue your own goals
Cooperativeness: How actively you try to satisfy the other person’s goals

The combination of these two axes produces five distinct conflict styles.

The Five Conflict Styles

1. Competing

High assertiveness / Low cooperativeness

“My goal matters most here. I need to win this one.”

Competing means pushing hard for your own position and giving the other person’s interests secondary consideration.

When it works:

Emergencies that require an immediate, unilateral decision
Non-negotiable ethical or safety issues
When you know you’re right and speed matters more than buy-in

When it backfires:

Long-term relationships where trust and goodwill matter
Situations where you need genuine commitment and creativity from others
Interpersonal conflicts with a strong emotional dimension

2. Collaborating

High assertiveness / High cooperativeness

“Let’s find a solution that works for both of us.”

Collaborating means actively exploring options that satisfy both parties’ core interests. It takes the most time and energy of any style — and produces the most durable solutions.

When it works:

Complex problems where both parties’ concerns genuinely matter
When integration of multiple perspectives is needed for the best outcome
When the relationship is as important as the outcome

Prerequisites: Both parties must have time available and genuine willingness to engage.

3. Compromising

Medium assertiveness / Medium cooperativeness

“Let’s each give a little. Splitting it down the middle seems fair.”

Compromising means both parties get some of what they want and give up some. It’s efficient and equitable — and produces outcomes that are “acceptable but not ideal” for everyone.

When it works:

When goals are moderately important and time is limited
As a fallback when collaboration isn’t working
In symmetric power relationships where both sides have roughly equal leverage

Watch out for: True compromise leaves everyone a little dissatisfied. It’s often a temporary fix rather than a real resolution.

4. Avoiding

Low assertiveness / Low cooperativeness

“I’m stepping back from this. Not now.”

Avoiding means withdrawing from or postponing the conflict — not actively pursuing your own goals or trying to satisfy the other person’s.

When it works:

When the issue is genuinely trivial
When you need more information or time for emotions to cool
When someone else is better positioned to handle it
When other priorities are more pressing right now

When it backfires:

When important issues pile up unaddressed
When avoidance itself sends a message (the other person notices)
When decisions are time-sensitive and can’t wait

5. Accommodating

Low assertiveness / High cooperativeness

“Your needs matter more than mine here. I’ll let this go.”

Accommodating means prioritizing the other person’s interests over your own — sometimes even at your own expense.

When it works:

When this issue matters far more to them than to you
When you might be wrong and need to hear them out
When preserving the relationship is more important than winning this particular point
When building credit for a situation where you’ll really need their cooperation

Watch out for: Habitual accommodating means consistently ignoring your own needs. Over time it produces exhaustion and resentment that quietly corrodes the relationship.

Is There a “Best” Style?

No. Each style is appropriate in some situations and counterproductive in others.

Effective conflict managers don’t default to one style — they read the situation and shift deliberately. The goal isn’t to use your most comfortable style. It’s to use the right style for the specific conflict you’re in.

The starting point is self-awareness: Know your default style. If you default to avoiding, practice recognizing when collaboration or compromise would serve you better. If you default to competing, notice when a situation actually calls for accommodating — and what the relationship might cost you if you don’t.

OIYO Editorial