Ch3. Writing Short, Clear Sentences — Practical Training in Official Document Writing

Why Official Documents Are So Hard to Read

Most government documents are hard to read for three reasons:

Sentences are too long: multiple ideas packed into a single sentence
The subject is unclear: it’s not obvious who is doing what
Conventional filler phrases pile up: form without substance

This lecture classifies the most common problems in real government writing and provides immediately applicable correction principles.

Principle 1: One Sentence, One Idea

The most fundamental rule: one subject, one verb, one main idea per sentence. Break complex content into multiple sentences.

Problem sentence:

“This event targets full staff participation, and in the event of low attendance a supplementary outreach plan will be developed, after which a post-event summary report will be prepared and distributed to all managers at the Assistant Director level and above.”

Corrected:

“This event targets full staff participation. If attendance falls short, we will develop a supplementary outreach plan. After the event, we will prepare a summary report and distribute it to all managers at the Assistant Director level and above.”

Three sentences replace one, and clarity improves significantly.

Principle 2: State the Subject Explicitly

Government writing frequently omits or obscures the subject. Who is performing the action must be clear.

Problem sentence:

“The attached documents should be reviewed and appropriate action taken.”

→ Who reviews? Who takes action? By when?

Corrected:

“The Deputy Director should review the attached documents and notify this office of her decision by June 10, 2025.”

Problem sentence:

“A determination on project continuation should be made.”

→ Who determines this?

Corrected:

“The Program Manager should determine whether to continue the project and communicate that decision to the team by June 30, 2025.”

Principle 3: Minimize Passive Voice

Passive constructions are overused in government writing. Active voice is clearer and assigns responsibility directly.

Passive	Active
”Training will be conducted"	"We will conduct training"
"The report has been submitted"	"The office submitted the report"
"A review will be completed prior to"	"Before [date], the team will complete a review"
"The plan was developed and approved"	"The office developed and the Director approved the plan”

Exception: Use passive voice when the actor is unknown or when the subject (the thing acted upon) is more important than who did it. Example: “The data were collected over a three-year period.” (Actor less important than the data)

Principle 4: Cut Conventional Filler

Government writing is full of phrases that carry no substantive meaning.

Phrases to Remove or Replace

Filler Phrase	Revised Approach
”Please be advised that”	Delete; just state the fact
”It should be noted that”	Delete; just state the fact
”For your information”	Delete (implied in the transmittal)
“At your earliest convenience"	"by [specific date]"
"In order to"	"to"
"Due to the fact that"	"because"
"In the event that"	"if"
"With respect to” / “With regard to"	"regarding” or “about"
"Attached hereto for your review"	"Attached"
"I would like to take this opportunity to”	Delete

Principle 5: Use Connectors Correctly

Misused connectors distort meaning.

Cause vs. Sequence

Error: “The project was delayed, so we are revising the timeline.” → If the delay is the reason for revising, use causal language: “Because the project was delayed, we are revising the timeline.” Or: “The project delay requires a revised timeline.”

Common Connector Errors

Incorrect Usage	Correct Usage
”Therefore thus” (redundant)	“Therefore"
"However, but” (redundant)	“However"
"Additionally, furthermore” (redundant)	“Additionally” or “Furthermore”
Long series with “and … and … and …”	Break into a numbered or bulleted list

Principle 6: Affirmative Over Negative

Negative formulations increase cognitive load.

Negative Phrasing	Affirmative Alternative
”Employees who do not submit will not receive credit"	"Only employees who submit on time will receive credit"
"Items not returned by the deadline cannot be processed"	"Items must be returned by the deadline for processing"
"Participants who fail to attend will not be certified"	"Only attendees will be certified”

Editing Practice Exercises

Exercise 1

Draft: “In connection with the aforementioned matter, our division has completed a thorough review of all relevant materials and is now in a position to proceed with the development of a comprehensive action plan going forward.”

Problems:

“In connection with the aforementioned matter” — vague reference
“thorough review of all relevant materials” — generic filler
“in a position to proceed with” — wordy
“going forward” — meaningless filler

Revised: “Based on the completed review, our division will develop an action plan.”

Exercise 2

Draft: “All employees and staff members are strongly encouraged to actively and enthusiastically participate in the upcoming scheduled event, and for any questions or inquiries that may arise, please do not hesitate to contact the point of contact.”

Problems:

“employees and staff members” — redundant
“strongly encouraged to actively and enthusiastically” — adverb pile-up
“any questions or inquiries that may arise” — wordy
“do not hesitate to contact” — filler

Revised: “All employees are encouraged to attend. For questions, contact the program coordinator.”

Exercise 3

Draft: “After a careful consideration and evaluation of the documentation provided by affected parties, stakeholders who may wish to provide their perspective on the matter are requested to submit their comments and feedback to the email address provided below by no later than the stated deadline.”

Problems:

“careful consideration and evaluation” — redundant pair
“stakeholders who may wish to provide their perspective” — overqualified
“comments and feedback” — redundant pair
“by no later than the stated deadline” — vague

Revised: “Stakeholders may submit comments to [email] by May 31, 2025.”

Numbers and Units — Quick Reference

Clear writing also requires consistent, correct notation.

Dates (U.S. standard): May 5, 2025 / May 2025 / FY 2025

Time: 2:00 p.m. (narrative); 14:00 (military or aviation contexts)

Dollar amounts: $10,000,000 or$ 10 million (spell out millions/billions in narrative text)

Quantities: Spell out one through nine; numerals for 10 and above

Percentages: 15% (use the symbol, not the word, in data-heavy text)

Learning Checklist

Split a compound sentence into separate, single-idea sentences
Identify and name the subject of each sentence explicitly
Convert five passive constructions to active voice
Remove or replace ten conventional filler phrases
Complete all three editing exercises independently

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