Ch5. Editing Real Documents — Turning Weak Sentences Into Clear Government Prose

Purpose of This Lecture

Knowing the principles is not enough. Writing ability grows only through practice revising real sentences. This lecture draws on patterns collected from actual government and professional documents, providing intensive before-and-after editing practice.

Each example explains not only what was changed, but why the original was weak and why the revision is stronger.

Editing Pattern 1: Vague Subject

Before

The implementation schedule is considered to be in need of further review
at this time.

Problems: Who reviews? By when? “Is considered to be” — by whom?

After

The Program Office will review the implementation schedule and report
findings to this office by August 31, 2025.

Why it’s better:

Subject is explicit (Program Office)
Deadline is specific (August 31, 2025)
Active voice
“Is considered to be in need of” — eliminated

Editing Pattern 2: Eliminate Redundant Phrasing

Before

The purpose of this program is to provide support for youth cultural
activities for the purpose of supporting youth cultural development
in the community.

Problems:

“program” used twice
“purpose” used twice
“for the purpose of supporting” — synonymous with “to support”

After

This program supports youth cultural activities in the community.

Why it’s better: Full meaning preserved; unnecessary repetition and nominalized endings removed.

Editing Pattern 3: Passive → Active Voice

Before

Training applications have been received, and eligible participants
will be identified and selected at a later date.

After

We have received training applications. We will identify and select
eligible participants by [date].

Why it’s better: The responsible office is clearly the actor. Excessive passive voice implies evasion of accountability, which undermines document authority.

Editing Pattern 4: Remove Conventional Filler

Before

We extend our sincere wishes for the continued success and growth of
your organization, and deeply appreciate your ongoing cooperation
and support. We therefore humbly request your cooperation as
described below in connection with the matters related to our
agency's ongoing work.

Problems: The opening pleasantry (“sincere wishes … deeply appreciate”) and the phrase “humbly request your cooperation” repeated twice — all are filler. None adds substance.

After

We request your cooperation on the following.

Why it’s better: Government documents are requests or informational transmittals. The substance is the request; formulaic pleasantries are unnecessary, especially in electronic correspondence.

Editing Pattern 5: Nominalization Overuse

Before

The conduct of a review and analysis of meeting results and the
development of a remediation plan is required.

Problems: “conduct,” “review,” “analysis,” “development” — four consecutive noun forms. The sentence structure is unclear.

After

We will review and analyze the meeting results and develop a
remediation plan.

Why it’s better: Verb-centered sentences are clearer and shorter.

Editing Pattern 6: Date and Number Format Errors

Before

Applications will be accepted from July 1st through July 15th, 2025,
a period of fifteen days, with a maximum enrollment of thirty
participants and an anticipated selection of twenty-five participants.

Problems:

Ordinals (“1st,” “15th”) are non-standard in U.S. government documents
Spelling out numbers (“fifteen,” “thirty,” “twenty-five”) is inconsistent and less scannable for data

After

Application period: July 1–15, 2025 (15 days)
Enrollment cap: 30 (anticipated selections: 25)

Why it’s better: Structured as labeled data points, following federal plain-language guidance. Dates follow the standard U.S. style (month day, year). Numbers use Arabic numerals.

Editing Pattern 7: Vague Eligibility Criteria

Before

Eligible applicants must meet certain established criteria.

Problems: “Certain established criteria” is undefined. A reader cannot take any action based on this sentence.

After

Eligible applicants must meet all of the following criteria:
a. Age 19–39 at the time of application
b. Primary residence in [City/County] as of the application deadline
c. No enrollment in a federally funded job training program within
   the past 24 months

Why it’s better: Specific criteria are presented as an actionable list.

Editing Pattern 8: Connector Misuse

Before

Program funding has been reduced. Therefore, the program scope
will be revised.

Problems: “Therefore” introduces a logical conclusion, but the relationship here is causal/consequential — better expressed as a single integrated sentence.

After

Due to a funding reduction, the program scope will be revised.

Why it’s better: Combining the cause and effect into one sentence is more concise. U.S. plain-language guidance favors “because,” “due to,” and “as a result of” over “therefore” when expressing straightforward causation.

Comprehensive Editing Exercise

Edit the following full paragraph.

Original

Our agency, in connection with its ongoing efforts to promote balanced
community development and to improve the overall quality of life of
residents in our service area, is currently in the process of
operating a cultural wellness program, and we are at this time
soliciting applications for participation from community members
who may be eligible, as further described below, and we ask for
your active participation and cooperation.

Problems identified:

“Our agency, in connection with its ongoing efforts” — unnecessary preamble
“to promote balanced community development and to improve the overall quality of life” — vague background
“is currently in the process of operating” → “operates”
“as further described below” → “as follows”
“we ask for your active participation and cooperation” — filler closing

After Editing

We are accepting applications for our Cultural Wellness Program.
See eligibility criteria below.

Original: ~75 words → Revised: 13 words. Full meaning retained.

Replacement Reference: Common Weak Phrases

Weak Phrase	Plain-Language Replacement
”Effectuate the implementation of"	"Implement"
"Please be advised that”	Delete; just state the fact
”In order to"	"To"
"At this point in time"	"Now"
"In the event that"	"If"
"Due to the fact that"	"Because"
"It is requested that you provide"	"Please submit” / “Submit"
"For the purpose of"	"To"
"In connection with"	"Regarding” or delete
”It is anticipated that"	"We expect”

Series Final Checklist

Completing all five lectures, here is the master checklist for the complete series.

Structure (Lecture 1)

Header: agency, addressee, and subject line complete
Heading hierarchy: consistent (I → A → 1 → a)
Dates: standard U.S. format (Month Day, Year)

Content (Lectures 2 & 3)

BLUF: conclusion first, background second
Active voice used as the default
Conventional filler removed
Each sentence expresses one idea

Format (Lecture 4)

Tables: numbered, titled, with correct cell alignment
Enclosures: numbered, titled, copy count included
Retention period confirmed per agency records schedule

Editing (Lecture 5)

Vague subjects identified and corrected
Redundant phrases removed
Dates and numbers in correct format
Full paragraph read-through to delete unnecessary sentences

Learning Checklist

Explain all 8 editing patterns with examples
Replace 10 weak phrases with plain-language alternatives
Read a given paragraph and identify at least 3 editing points
Apply the series master checklist to a complete draft document

OIYO Editorial