Win Friends ② — How to Be Liked and to Persuade People

Overview: The Art of Liking and Persuasion

With the basics (Lesson 2) in hand, we move to concrete ways to win liking and persuade without conflict. Carnegie split these into two clusters — how to make people like you and how to win people to your way of thinking.

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1. Six Attitudes That Earn Liking

Principle	Core
Genuine interest	Take interest in others first
Smile	An expression opens hearts before words
Names	A person’s name is the sweetest sound to them
Listening	A good conversationalist is a good listener
The other’s interests	Talk in terms of what they care about
Make them feel important	Let people feel they matter

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2. The Power of Names and Interest

People are deeply attached to their own names. Remembering and using someone’s name is the simplest message that “you matter to me.” Likewise, knowing the other’s interests in advance and opening with that topic is the shortcut to liking.

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3. The Only Way to Win an Argument — Avoid It

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4. Principles for Letting People Change Themselves

The moment you say “you’re wrong,” persuasion ends. Carnegie’s persuasion helps the other arrive at the conclusion themselves.

• Respect their opinions — never say “you’re wrong”
• If you’re wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically — it disarms defenses
• Start with questions they’ll answer “yes” to — build momentum of agreement
• Let the other do most of the talking — persuade with your ears, not your mouth
• Let them feel the idea is theirs
• Truly see it from their point of view

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5. When You Must Criticize — Correcting Without Wounding

A leader sometimes must point out faults. Carnegie says do even that while protecting the other’s pride.

• Begin with praise, then mention the fault
• Don’t give direct orders — suggest with questions (“what if we tried this?”)
• Let the other save face
• Praise even the smallest improvement generously

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Key Takeaways

1. Liking comes from interest, smiles, names, listening, the other’s interests, and a sense of importance.
2. Listening is the most powerful yet underrated skill for liking and persuasion.
3. An argument is lost even when won — avoiding it is best.
4. Persuasion means helping the other reach the conclusion themselves.
5. When criticism is needed, correct without wounding via praise, questions, and saving face.

Next lesson: We turn from the art of relationships to the inner self. In Carnegie’s other classic, How to Stop Worrying and Start Living, we learn to master worry and anxiety.